Scene – Lair
An ordinary office conference room has three men in superhero get-ups sitting in chairs watching TV. A boulder is in the corner of the room. In walks the receptionist, Cheryl, with an intern known as Psycho Sis. The leader, Fly, stands to greet her.
CHERYL: Right this way ma’am.
PSYCHO SIS: Is this your lair?
CHERYL: Rent is cheap, so you get what you get (She exits.)
FLY: Why hello there. How may we serve you?
PSYCHO SIS: I put in an application for the open position.
FLY: Ah, yes. You must be the new intern.
PSYCHO SIS: Intern? I thought this was a paid position.
FLY: It is a paid internship. It’s just a title we use to hire younger people and pay them under the table.
PSYCHO SIS: Isn’t that illegal?
FLY: It’s a small price to pay for justice, but a hefty legal fee if you are under 16, which you don’t seem to be…
PSYCHO SIS: I’m not…
FLY: Great! That is so great! Come over here, I’ll introduce everyone. This is Biception. He has super strength.
BICEPTION: Hiya! (They shake hands, but it’s an obviously weak shake.)
FLY: And this is Captain Come Quick. The fastest man on the east AND west coast.
CCQ: How’s it, goin? (They shake hands, but it is much slower than Biception’s handshake with Psycho Sis.)
FLY: The three of us have been working together since the Cuban Missile Crisis, which makes it… one year?
BICEPTION: One. Amazing. Year
CCQ: Yeah. Every day here is a new day. Full of excitement and adventure
PSYCHO SIS: What’s your name, sir?
FLY: I’m Fly
PSYCHO SIS: That’s amazing. “The Fly.” Can you see from a thousand viewpoints and zip around like a house-
FLY: No. I just Fly. So I’m Fly
PSYCHO SIS: Right…
FLY: What’s your name?
PSYCHO SIS: Oh, I’m Psycho Sis. I can read minds. (CCQ and Biception look nervous)
CCQ: You can read minds?
BICEPTION: Isn’t it kind of wrong to be in other people’s heads all the time?
PSYCHO SIS: Well, it’s not all the time. I have to stare into their eyes for 4 seconds.
(CCQ and Biception avoid eye contact with Psycho Sis)
FLY: That’s amazing. Do me! Do me! (Psycho Sis stares into Fly’s eyes for 4 seconds)
PSYCHO SIS: You are thinking of the color magenta, but you imagine the color green.
FLY: Right! That’s so cool!
CCQ: I bet you have a super backstory.
PSYCHO SIS: Oh yeah. So my mom is a doctor with a strong interest in how the mind works. My dad is a chemist. And they decided they wanted to try and see if you could use 100% of your brain. Now they needed a test subject, and they both just decided to have a kid for the sole purpose of experimenting. I had a twin brother, but he was lost at birth. 20 years later, and here I am.
BICEPTION: So they just experimented with you for 20 years?
PSYCHO SIS: No. They finished when I was 12. They told me I can’t tell anyone, but they both died in a plane crash about a year ago, and I felt I needed to use my powers to help the world because they aren’t around to help the world anymore.
FLY: That’s beautiful. Working as a way to continue your parents’ legacy. Do you want to hear mine? Of course, you do. So I was going to my nine to five like everyone else, when suddenly a truck swerved, causing a vat of toxic waste in the back of it to spill all over me right as I swallowed a housefly. It combined our abilities, making me who I am today.
PSYCHO SIS: So you actually are a Fly?
FLY: No. I’m just Fly. Biception, you go next.
BICEPTION: Me? But I never have to tell the new guys-
FLY: I said go. (Biception looks like he is making this up as he is going on.)
BICEPTION: So I was… a soldier. Yeah, a soldier in World War II. And I was a small guy, so I couldn’t really lift my own weight. They saw that I had guts, though, so I was picked to be a test subject for a new serum the Government was working on, and when I was injected, I came out ripped like this. I went on secret missions with my best friend until he died tragically. It destroyed me. I ended up coming home from the war, and I worked as a type of advertising for the Government.
BICEPTION: Now I work here, and I do what I do to help any citizen that needs help. It’s almost like I could do this all-day.
PSYCHO SIS: But wait-
FLY: Why haven’t you ever told me that before? I salute you.
PSYCHO SIS: Isn’t that just-
FLY: Captain. You’re next.
PSYCHO SIS: Can you elaborate?
FLY: Always quick on the draw. That’s why I love this man. (Cheryl enters.)
CHERYL: There’s a woman on the phone. She says her cat is stuck in the tree out front of the city hall.
FLY: Alright, team. Who should we send on this mission?
BICEPTION: I guess I could rip the tree out of the ground and shake it until the cat comes down, but I think you need a permit to do anything to the trees in front of city hall, so I’m out.
CCQ: Well, I could run up the tree at lightning speed, but it might scare the cat and make him jump. We don’t need that happening, so I am also out. Why don’t you just fly up there, boss?
FLY: Good plan. Fast on his feet and with ideas. Alright, I’ll head out. I’ll be back in a few. (Cheryl and Fly both exit. CCQ and Biception go back to watching TV.)
PSYCHO SIS: So…
BICEPTION: So what?
PSYCHO SIS: What do you guys do for fun around here?
CCQ: You are looking at it.
PSYCHO SIS: That wasn’t such a fast response. (CCQ and Biception look at each other nervously.)
BICEPTION: He can turn his powers on and off. It’s so he can conserve energy. (CCQ and Biception high five. After a few seconds, CCQ pretends that his hand is hurt.)
PSYCHO SIS: Well I thought of something fun to do, and I wondered if I could try it?
BICEPTION: What is it?
PSYCHO SIS: Sits down at the table Arm wrestle me.
BICEPTION: Hilarious. I would destroy you. Why would you even ask that?
CCQ: I could run around the Earth faster than he would beat you in this dumb competition.
PSYCHO SIS: Well, if it’s such an easy task, why don’t you just show me? Both of you. I will arm wrestle him while you run around the Earth. Come on get over here. Let’s do this. (CCQ and Biception anxiously walk to their starting position. CCQ gets into a runners start, and Biception puts his hand around Psycho Sis’.)
PSYCHO SIS: Three… Two… One… Go! (CCQ acts as if he went around the Earth instantly by jumping up and acting like he is out of breath. Biception is struggling to pull her arm down.)
BICEPTION: Oh I am just going easy on you.
PSYCHO SIS: Why don’t you just look at the fact that I’m not even trying? (He looks at her hand and notices she isn’t struggling at all. His eyes slowly move up toward her eyes. Their eyes lock for 4 seconds.)
CCQ: Oh no…
PSYCHO SIS: I knew it (She slams Biception’s hand down.) You guys are fakes.
BICEPTION: I just let you win. You’re making that up.
CCQ: (Nervously yet confidently.) Yeah.
PSYCHO SIS: You also wet your bed on your eighth birthday because your dad told you a scary story the night before because you thought you were mature enough to handle it.
BICEPTION: Lucky guess…
PSYCHO SIS: (Referring to CCQ.) And his middle name is Patricia.
CCQ: Dude, I told you that in confidence!
PSYCHO SIS: You are phonies!
BICEPTION: Can you keep it down? Cheryl is in the other room.
PSYCHO SIS: How have you guys been working here for a year?
CCQ: Listen. Fly isn’t the smartest man I have ever met.
BICEPTION: I think his brain got switched with the fly’s, too
PSYCHO SIS: Why do you do it?
BICEPTION Well, my son, was really into superheroes when he was younger, and after his mother and I divorced, I tried anything to grab his attention. I would do anything to pick him up again like I did when he was four. That court day was the last time I saw him.
PSYCHO SIS: I’m so sorry. What about you, Cap?
CCQ: I did track in high school and already had the shoes. I’m mostly in it for the money. It has been hard to keep this secret, and we are not about to let some newbie come in and ruin this gig.
CCQ: And if I have to beat it out of you I- (Fly enters.)
FLY: I’m back.
CCQ: -will have to welcome you aboard to our wonderful team!
FLY: It was one of those smaller trees. You couldn’t have run up that tree anyways.
CCQ: Good thing I didn’t waste anyone’s time.
PSYCHO SIS: Since I have been welcomed in, can I try to… to make this place look a little nicer?
FLY: Well, what do you want?
PSYCHO SIS: I want that boulder moved… over there.
FLY: Get to it Biception. (Biception goes over and picks up the boulder with ease. He moves it to where Psycho Sis pointed.)
PSYCHO SIS: And that television are too loud. Cap. Turn if off.
FLY: Get to it, Quick. (CCQ acts like he just snapped to the tv in the back while Biception clicks someone in his pocket secretly and the television goes out.)
PSYCHO SIS: But but but- (A crash is heard in the distance.)
FLY: I’ll fly around back and check what that was. You all stay here and keep watch. (Fly leaves out the back.)
PSYCHO SIS: How did you do that?
CCQ: What are you talking about?
PSYCHO SIS: I’ll just read it, so tell me.
BICEPTION: That boulder is paper mache. Fly makes me move it every day for his amusement (Holds up the remote in his pocket.) And he still doesn’t know about the remote control.
PSYCHO SIS: I get that, but I meant the crash.
CCQ: That wasn’t us… (Chad enters wearing a mask over his face with a gun pressed against the head of Cheryl. He is holding her hostage.)
CHAD: Ha! It is I! Your arch-enemy! I have been looking for your lair ever since you ruined my first plan to take over the world!
PSYCHO SIS: Do you know this guy?
CCQ: I have never seen him before.
CHAD: How could you not remember me? It is I! Crazy Head And Dead!
BICEPTION: That is by far the dumbest name I have ever heard.
CHAD: (Getting angrier) Shut up! I’ll kill her!
CCQ: Just do it. We can get another receptionist. It’s all a woman can do anyway.
CHERYL AND PSYCHO SIS: I’m right here!
CHAD: One more word and I’ll… I’ll kill you all! (Fly enters from behind and knocks the gun out of Chad’s hand. He and Chad begin to fight.)
FLY: Captain! Grab the gun and bring it here! (CCQ slowly walks over and picks up the gun. Fly gets Chad in a headlock.)
FLY: Sis! Read his mind! We have to know why he’s doing it. (She quickly runs over and stares into Chad’s eyes, but he keeps moving around.)
PSYCHO SIS: Hold him still. I can’t focus.
FLY: Captain! Point the gun at him! That will keep him still.
CCQ: But sir, I thought we were supposed to follow the law of the nation
FLY: It’s self-defense just do it!
CHERYL: (Takes the gun.) Give that to me (Points the gun with both hands at Chad.)
CHERYL: Quit moving around! You hear me? Quit moving around, or I will blow your brains all over the floor and the wall! The janitors will hate you, and your friends won’t even know why you never showed up to poker night. (Chad stops struggling, but he keeps his eyes closed.)
PSYCHO SIS: He needs to open his eyes.
CHERYL: Open your eyes, or I swear to you that the carpet will forever have your blood stained into it. (Chad opens his eyes, and Psycho Sis stares into them for 4 seconds.)
PSYCHO SIS: He’s doing this for his father’s approval!
CHAD: It’s true! (He breaks down.) It’s true… I’ve been seeking attention since my father left my mom and me when I was four. I remember him picking me up one last time.
BICEPTION: (Taking off his mask.) Chad?
CHAD: (Taking off his mask.) Dad?
BICEPTION: Oh, son! (Tries to pick him up and throws out his back.) Ow ow ow!
FLY: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! How did you throw out your back, trying to pick up one person? (He points at CCQ.)
FLY: And why did it take you so long to pick up the gun?
PSYCHO SIS: I think it’s pretty obvious
FLY: You’re right… they’re saving their energy for a real enemy. It’s like they sense a more significant problem coming their- (An alarm goes off, stating that it is 5:00 pm. They all stop fighting and go and put on overcoats. Psycho Sis stands confused.)
CCQ: Phew. I thought this day would never end. Anybody want to grab drinks?
BICEPTION: Not me. I think I’m gonna spend the day with my son.
CHAD: Oh dad (They smile and hug.)
CHERYL: See you all on Monday.
PSYCHO SIS: You guys are done? Just like that?
FLY: All in a day’s work.
PSYCHO SIS: He was threatening to kill us!
CCQ: Yeah, but our shift is over. Can’t do anything about it now.
PSYCHO SIS: You do this every day?
FLY: Every day.
BICEPTION: The benefits are good.
PSYCHO SIS: How good?
CCQ: Weekends. Holidays. Health care. You name it.
PSYCHO SIS: Where do I sign?
CHERYL: I’ll send you the paperwork:
FLY: Can you start next week?
Timothy Henderson Jr. is working towards earning a Bachelor’s degree in Theatre. He has been writing for a while but has been telling stories since he could speak. He hopes to start conversations or lend laughs to the ones who do not smile as much as he wished they would.